Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
