I was born with a shot glass in my hand
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
