Your dad touched me again.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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