i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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