Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
