Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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