why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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