I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
