The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
