Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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