we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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