Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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