I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
