I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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