My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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