I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
