i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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