community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
