I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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