I didn't shave. On purpose
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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