The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
