Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
