so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
