Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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