I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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