apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
it's like heaven, but drunker
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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