i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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