dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
