Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We are two peas in an std pod
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
