how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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