At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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