Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Success! We fucked roommates!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
