Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
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