its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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