this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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