I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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