i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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