just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
