i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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