My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
