I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
