Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
