I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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