even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
