Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
