Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Let's get the cat blown out
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
