Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
