when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
