Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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