i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
