I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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