He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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