and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
